This is something confusing me at the moment.
It is common knowledge that I am not a rich person infact most of the time I'm pretty skint trying to make £20 last as long as possible. This have given me many troubles like not having new clothes, putting a wedge in my learning to drive and even going hungry. I am working on changing this and if it is not from me finding a new job then it is me making my own job up with the goal of earning £500 to £1000 a week. This would be a big ask but really in order to gather the income and be at the "level" I am expected to be at that kind of money in needed. One of the other problems that being broke has proven is with my love life. I never get beyond two months of asking a person out. Money seems to show its head as part of the cards on the table except I do not have this card or the materialistic things to go along with it. So it turn I am seen in a failure. The rotten thing is I am starting to believe this, I am not very happy about that. If it is true and yes I am on the path to obtain a better level of income and I will achieve it, if it is true and I meet someone after I have obtained the social class tick boxes is that person interested in me as a person or what I can provide financially. I just would have a clue, not that it would matter much if I loved them; I loved them. It still is true though for a majority of the people I have dated money is an issue. I have a few options with this thinking. I can trust that I will meet a person akin to my own thought of money and items do not bring you happiness. I can disregard find a partner and stick with my work and occasionally date, but keep my distance. Lastly obtain the level and wealth and power then use it to my advantage and manipulate other only caring for myself. I think for me is to try and understand again that money is not the key to happiness. That I have just had a bad experience of a person confusing success with wealth and confidence with arrogance. I guest I have taken on others exploits of "You're not good enough" to heart in some ways. I am fighting back against it. The path to my improvement is for me, to not starve, sink back into a depression. I just need to reinforce the belief that "I am worth it and that I do matter" and not listen to others criticisms. I can just look back on to how I used to think I was an ugly person because people had told me so. I used to really believe that I looked hideous and I was a horrible person with nothing of interest about me. I hide my body under baggy clothing, stay away from others and keep quite. When getting changed I would cover up my physique with my arms and hide my appearance. I have gotten other this now and have been for a long time thanks to working out at the gym and having really good friends that have talked with me a appreciated me for who I am. When I became less skinny and my cerises cleared right up (I was covered all over my body with tiny patches of pink dry skin) I felt a lot better about my body. For the looks of my face I started to appreciate my smile and the colour of my hazel eyes. I started to use my voice and speak and people would listen to me and what I'd have to say. The other thing is I would give myself a cheeky wink in the mirror and keep telling myself how much of a good person I am. With this hurdle in wealth and statues, if I don't truly believe in it than I should not except others dictations of it upon me. I want more money to put food on the table and see my friends, and there is a good point none of my friends and ever judged my on the level of my bank account so why should I let any lover I let into my life.
Thank you for reading, I hope you too can find the strength to believe in yourself.