My heart skips, skips a beat.

Written by Anthony Osman on .

I may of said this before but that is kind of the point, there are just some things on repeat.

Being more active is grand for one thing some things that were troubling my mind going round and round have broken away more or less. This is because my mind has been engaged on doing other things. Also I have been removed self punishing talk if I have not done something yet or should of done. I have another chance just say it was then and now I have a new opportunity to make good. And that is true, just because I did not get a task done today for me does not mean I cannot get it done tomorrow. Not meaning that I off put it but I get another stab. However I am getting most things done the first time round as I see how much inaction damages me and drags me down and costs me. I feel really good that the thoughts of a negative past and wrong doings are less frequent. Now they still happen don't get me wrong but I can brush them aside much easier now because I have other things to focus on and feel passionate about. It has been just wonderful to be making and turning my ideas into reality. I feel I can obtain all that I want with good old fashion hard work and determination. I have the ambition and know all the steps. Where as before I was looking for a rescue and playing a waiting game for things to get better, the only person to improve my life is me. Not that I was asking anyone to save me but I wanted to be excepted for the person was; am, not a materialistic value. This was the thought that was buzzing around my brain "You need money, social statues, transport, a hot body..." but I don't I just need me. I just need to show up, be the best I can and apply myself. As long as I'm honest with myself and act confidently, and stand up for myself. Then I good to go. I can go for higher standards, I am allowed to be successful. I don't believe in "punching above your weight" or "in different league" we all shit the same way. I do know that it is about trying and first showing yourself respect and compassion. Taking care of yourself, before looking after others. My failings had lead me to place others before myself, making me feel small and insignificant. It is no wonder why I got into a slump and was being rejected, because I was rejecting myself. So it made it OK for others too. I think that I got lost in the dreams and perceptions of others, them believing that happiness was at the end of long line of acquisitions. Their "Happy Ever After" so to speak. But it is only an emotion; a state of mind, that one chooses to be or not. As long as I'm working towards my goals I am happy, sure there are some things that and situations that are dragging me down. I am acting on changing them, it is all part of heading to where I want to go. It is when I don't take action that I am miserable and excepting the crap that life can offer. I do have in mind that when I do ask someone out again some time in the future to avoid selfishness and spoilt behaviour. The way I have always looked at it is this, when I was kid it was me, my Mum and my Brother. We didn't have a lot at all, but had each other and were happy. Being good to yourself and people you love brings joy in life. Thinking that possession can make happy is fools dream, it can only make you empty. We can all get lost from time to time and even stuck, don't forget to find your way again.