Behind me my music is up way too loud for one the hear. The bass echoes in body along my diaphragm and ribs.
So I've had one beer this evening and unless I go out will be the only one I will have. I am also not very likely to be going out my little nephews birthday is next weekend and I want some pennies to get him a gift. Plus I want tomorrow and if I get too drunk I'll end up wasting the day doing jack shit. There is also only a couple of pubs in Sandy and well they're a bit quite. I get more of the time of day in The Bell but ultimately I am left with my own thoughts. This is just me anyways I can be a quite person. Nothing wrong with that at all.
There is kind of like an inherent frustration and clouded head manifesting in a light head ache with heavy eyes. I'm probably tired. But all I can say is I've been clicking all day working from my place doing the job that I have here. Enough time to be honest has been spent with the internet and the computer today. After I had done my shift I bummed about of facebook for a bit but that thing always just make me feel more isolated and disconnected from people. I look at some peoples photos, shoot a smile in thought of some of the really good people I do know. I seem to be looking for interaction that isn't quite frankly there at all.
Now I have also done some research for my project I want to do over this weekend and will finish that part off after this. In a way try to forget it is a Friday night and that I am tired. Once I get into making my own entertainment for this evening and talking to myself in a positive way, with ambition, passion and bouncing around ideas I'll be a lot better. Even writing that has picked me up. =]
So where does this slight loneliness come from. Well I think one would be just spending a lot of my time alone. I am more than comfortable with this and am often with good company. I do and more so other the past few years enjoy interacting with people, having a conversation and meeting people. Making eye contact with myself in the mirror is just not the same as hearing an others point of view, interest and expression. Now I could get a bit of this at the pub or the gym, but they are not necessarily people I call a friend or have things in common or history with.
I will see family next week and at the end of the month I have a gig to attend to with some friends at the end of the month. I can just focus on looking forward to them for my social interaction and shared enjoyment. I guest I do miss relaxing with someone, chilling out, watching a movie, going on a walk, having a drink, attending an event that kind of thing. Sometimes I just want to here a different voice that's not my own. As you may tell I can rattle off to myself a fair bit, and it be like a broken record if something or someone has been troubling me.
The radio helps; especially talk radio stations. Because although not true it feels like someone ells is in the room. Now I have had the radio on all day as I've been doing my job so I am board of the repeat news and weather reports and now some of the shows are repeating also. I could stick a movie on but then I wont be doing my other written work I want to be doing as I'll be distracted and looking ells where.
So where would I like to be? I would like to maybe be in Hitchin or London talking about music, photography and art. My option for tonight that I will enjoy is to write up my research and then begin the drawings that come out from the information. Clearing the computer off of the desk will help me out in giving me the room for my sketch books. The way I see it I may complain that I'm not going out or socialising, but it is my choice and my sacrifice to the work that want to do. To honestly embrace the way I want to be. I have to put the work first, I have to make it. It is what makes me interesting, gives me reward, attention and a livelihood beyond the short term. I probably sound like I'm whining about being lonely, but it is my choice to get my work done. Going out, spending all my money and time on one evening is not going to gain me any new friends and will give a head ache and fear that not enough has been done.
Have a good evening, I will too and enjoy yourself!