Written by Anthony Osman on .

Where have you been hiding Anthony?

Broken record. So it has been a little bit quite on here for the past two weeks. There have been two reasons or as I like to call them bull shit excuses for this; one video games and the other a had a little bit of a waste of space wave of feelings take other one or two days. Basically taking action remedies both, the more I do and achieve the better I feel about myself. It's all about the discipline. I guest because of letting a version of success manifest in a material sense it can get confusing when you don't actually want that but you don't want to be struggling either; but what is alright and what is not? Am I allowed to earn over twenty grand? Am I worthy of the responsibility? Can I be a car owner? Will I be seen as spoilt if I have these things? Do these status objects grant me more attention, and do I want it if they do? Are people that shallow or am I that shallow? What I can offer form the heart costs nothing, but it is my wallet that is measured. As you can tell it is going backwards and forwards in my head quite a bit. The whole "If you cannot be there when I'm failing, don't expect to share with me when I'm succeeding" thing. Is that a grudge? If I hold true to that I am quite likely not share a relationship with anyone. I mean currently I'm no provider that has been made very clear both by people I've dated and by my bank statements. I also not a bad boy, although there is a lot of not giving a shit because fuck it one way or another you get hurt. So pick dust off and try again. I guess I could adopt a more harden persona (gorld knows I live a tuff life), playing safe has clearly not been working. Just seems to get a lot of disrespect and being treated like doormat. The way see it if a relationship just wants always to be a whirlwind then let it, if I told that "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" or "I just wanna be friends" or "The times not right for me now" or "There's somebody ells I like" or "You're too nice for our own good" sod it. The upside I can be in and out quick. No commitment issues because as past evidence would have it I'm not the settle down type. Even if it was what I wanted (I shit you not, there are some people I could be interested in but will not allow myself to be because either I think that I am too broke to be with them or because I am still sorting bits & bobs out that I am not ready to be dating). The bonus of this is I get spend a lot more time learning and playing and doing my creative work. Back on the money thing, I think that my many evenings cold and hungry do justify going in to earn more. Being skint costs you your health, social life, relationships, living standards and self worth. Maybe it's because I am used to this that my ego does not want it to change? I mean know how to "just get by" and I do not recommend it to anybody. Why really should I except it for myself. Everyday I do not actively try to make a difference for the better in my life is another day were I can pushed around and treated like shit. The funny thing is I treat others with so much kindness, respect, understanding, patients, generosity, compassion and care. I think the best way for me to act is to my own best friend and treat myself so. I mean I want other to do well and actively help people to, there is no reason why I should not help myself. I think because my driving force to get up the ladder as it were is to move away from the negative, and that is a good motivator but I need to believe and focus on a positive goal. Otherwise it's just a driving force of whips that will knock me down. I can get what I want and have to prove this to me, and drop the heart break girl in my head or generalisation of a successful is lots of dosh. A thought in this is my training at the gym; I feel better and look better and have gained confidence and have notice a response of attraction be others, yet I'm still the same person just in better shape. So would improving my wallet and cash flow add to me but keep me the same at my core level? I think it would, me saying "Well you couldn't be arsed with me when I had little money value" is stubborn really and really if I going through tough time is it fair of me to invite someone into that. I Look to leave my creativity behind and live a life outside of poverty. To love myself as well as others, stand up for what I believe in and do things for me.