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Struggling!

Written by Anthony Osman on .

Well this is a topic close to home. It feels like I have been operating in survival mode a number of years now. Why? Because of bad habits. "I'll be OK, I can make it till pay day" "I will do it tomorrow" "I just need a smoke" "I'll stay for one more pint" Blooming spending my pennies on the wrong things.

Here is the list of how money will go.

  • FOOD! Enough to get for the month.
  • Family! See the people who love me.
  • Friends! Appreciate the people who give me the time of day.
  • Saving! Be strict and save £150 a month.
  • Invest! Buy tools and art supplies to replenish and keep using.

How will this all help me? An adequate amount of food will keep my belly full and give me energy. Seeing my family will be good for my soul, they're the people I have know the longest and will certainly be there for me when the chips are down. Visiting the people that care for me outside of my kin, they are folk that make me smile and cheer me up. It would be selfish and disrespectful not to show them the same care and attention. Putting money away will, pay off my overdraft, pay for my GCSE English retakes that I want to do, pay for driving lessons and maybe even old banger of a car with insurance. Investing money in my product will help produce more content.

I know exactly what I need to do in order to get me out of my hole. I must believe in myself that I can earn a larger amount of money. I must prove to myself I can handle my small amount. Money does not buy you happiness. It can be used as a tool to help oneself prosper.

Like training in the gym I have to keep pushing myself to gain more. There are many hurdles that some of my pears have jumped through and I have not. I've been playing it safe and trying to please others. My reward for lack of assertion is to be sat hungry in a cold lonely flat a town with no friends or family about and a non-existent love life. This is completely my own doing, it has to stop. I cannot, I will not live in this life any longer. Not in negative way; I'm not going to swallow a load of pills, jump on the train tracks or hang myself. I would be lying if I said that those silly thoughts had once crossed my mind, but I have a love of life now. A passion for my art, and want to create. Not a fear of a blank page, thinking everything must be perfect or it's just rubbish. I can save myself! I can use my imagination to create a world that is real, that is rewarding and that I can live in.

There are things I want, new clothes, a career, to drive, to go on holiday, to spend time with people, to not be told that I'm only seconded best, I want to live in an exciting environment and I want to leave something worthwhile behind.

If I continue to waste my opportunities to live a passionate creative interesting exciting life away all because "I'm just trying to get by." I'll have nothing to show for that.

I do have a lot going for me. I'm in good health, I work out regularly and push myself to be fast, stronger and increased stamina all the time. I have a big heart, I caring for others, generous and understanding. I have intelligence, I am smart guy, I do not claim to know it all because there is always something to learn. I am talented, my imagination and way of seeing the world leads me to forms of expression across multiple mediums. I am a pretty good looking too, I may of taken me a while to believe this but it is true.

The biggest commodity that will aid me in my own success and victory in life is not money, but time and confidence within myself.

I don't want to go hungry anymore! I don't to let people down anymore! I don't a person think lower of me anymore! I don't want to be pore anymore! I don't want to sleep in the cold anymore!

THIS IS THE POINT, THIS IS WHERE IT CHANGES, THIS IS WHERE I TAKE CONTROLE OF MY LIFE AND MAKE IT BETTER FOR ME!

With art, dreams, writing, exercise, photography, video, sculpture, drama, performance, comedy, play, learning, teaching, believing, discipline, stories, music, relationships, smiles, listening, hope, love, family, friends, outside, focus, languages, fiction, facts, science, exploring, curiosity, confidence...